5 Parenting Strategies for Overcoming The Feeling of Failure

Am I failing as a parent? If you have kids, you probably ask yourself this question on a regular basis. We have four kids and you would think this whole parenting thing would get easier by the time you are on round 4, but that doesn’t seem to be the case for us. People often say to me, “oh four kids, you must be a pro”. The truth is, it feels like you start over every time you have another one. I must study and “learn” each child and then apply different parenting styles to them based on who they are and what makes them tick.

There are some foundational and practical lessons we as parents can apply to ourselves that will help us feel less like we are failing and more like we are winning in our homes. Here are 5 strategies that will help you feel more successful in your parenting.

Know Your Child

Children are not made from cookie cutters. You cannot parent any two children the exact same way. God created each of us in His own image with unique and wonderful characteristics, abilities, strengths and weaknesses. We are all different in some way.

Psalm 139:14 - I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

When it comes to feeling successful in parenting, you must study each child. Grasp what is special about them and what drives them to live a joyful life. This starts from birth. Anyone with more than one kid knows that each child is different from the rest. It’s important as parents for us to know how we can best serve our children for them to respond in the proper manner that we as adults would like to see. How does that work? We can discover their learning style, their discipline style, and their love language(s) as a good start. These are all topics that can have an entire post on their own, but I highly suggest doing some research on these and test yourself and your children against the guidelines of these 3 areas. It will help you discover what helps your child feel loved, safe, strong, and smart.

Understand That You are Not Enough

This is HUGE for parents! We live in a culture where the trending “self-help” books are telling you that you are enough. Here’s the deal, you are not enough. Not even close! Therefore, we need God. We cannot do this parenting thing in or own strength without becoming exhausted, overwhelmed and defeated. We do not have the power to change our children’s hearts, only He does. There is no super power formula for parenting that will create a product of perfect kids. Even with all the “parenting” handbooks out there, the only book that truly has all the answers is God’s Word. That very book is the one that tells us we can’t do it alone! God created us to need him. It’s a beautiful picture of the perfect fatherhood – one where the child recognizes his need for guidance and direction from the Father. He has given us a command to raise them up and teach them just as He does for us as His children.

Deutoronomy 6:5-9 - 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Stop Fighting for Control over Behavior

“The goal of parenting is not control of behavior, but rather heart and life change”

- Paul David Tripp

Tripp makes this excellent point in his book, “Parenting”. We will never win if we try to fight the battle for control over behavior. We may be able to produce a child that is seemingly obedient on the outside, but if their heart isn’t changed, they will undoubtedly choose to rebel at some point. That’s the power of sin nature that’s in all of us. Tripp mentions several ways in which parents try to capture this “control” over their kids’ behaviors by making rules and charts and chores and so on… These are not all necessarily bad, but parents often create a “rules” based lifestyle for their kids that misses the bigger picture. Then they head to collage as a “Christian” kid but soon they forsake their upbringing and their faith. Why does this seem to be such a huge trend in our culture?! As a parent myself, I want to know the answer to this too! Tripp’s book has some great insight here. He explains that many parents make this behavior thing about them and their child, when it’s really about God and the child’s heart. As I mentioned before, we as parents can’t change our children’s hearts, only God can. As we raise them, they need to understand sin, its roots, that it’s not against us as parents but really against God, and that God gives grace and mercy and can change their hearts.  Our main goal, therefore, is not just to have good behavior from our children, but to guide them toward Christ. To foster a true love for God that is personal for them and not just through us as their parents.

Train their Character

How do we foster that love for Christ? I believe a major part of it is training their character. When children understand the why behind we do or don’t do things, it helps them to own it. Instead of merely having a list of do’s and don’ts, a life full of “rules” to follow, kids should have training toward good character traits.

As a Christian family, we teach things like the “fruits of the spirit” (Galatians 5:22-23). Those traits include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. In learning these traits, they are learning how to have “good” behavior by using specific terms, and by understanding what the Bible says about them and why God wants us to have these traits in our lives.

Again, it’s not just about mom and dad’s rules, these are God’s rules for everyone including adults! When character training our kids, it’s a real motivator for us as adults to check our own hearts as well. As a family, you can learn together how to improve your character, which is important for kids. They need to see that adults fail as well and understand God’s grace toward mom and dad and toward them.

Grace Upon Grace

Speaking of grace, the final strategy I want to discuss is the phrase, “grace upon grace”.

John 1:16 says, For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.

God has bestowed His grace upon the generations since the beginning of time and it is a concept that we must use in our parenting! We are sinners raising little sinners and we must show grace in our child rearing. Last week I saw a photo of the following written on a whiteboard:

Religion: “I messed up. My dad is going to kill me”.

Gospel: “I messed up. I need to call my dad”.

Historically, this concept is one thing that many Christian homes lack. Young people that walk away from the faith often do so because of the mindset of discipline without grace. They fear their parents for the wrong reasons, and do not trust them in their times of need.

We have small children, so we are not to the teenage years yet when kids start to struggle more with authority, but we already see their manipulative nature and we already have talks about grace. We also openly share our mistakes with our kids. I apologize to my kids when I mess up, and we talk openly about how we all have sin and we all need to show each other grace. My kids will even try to be funny about it and ask if I can show them some grace when they are in trouble. Obviously, there are times that punishment is necessary and important. Scripture shows plenty of examples where God punished his people for their disobedience. But even in those times we can use God’s Word to continue to train our kids. For example, a great one for little kids is Jonah. He disobeyed God, had to be punished; but then learned his lesson, and changed his heart. Then God showed grace not only to Jonah, but also to the Ninevites (Jonah chapter 3). Remember our ultimate goal is for their hearts to be pointed toward God.

Parenting is tough! I am so thankful that we have God’s Word to help us navigate the waters of this life and that He has called us to this phenomenal mission of raising up a new generation. We have a mighty task as we point our children toward God and help them to develop their own relationship with Him that will last long after they leave our home. My encouragement to you is to implement these 5 strategies into your life and to continue to study God’s Word as your guideline to parenting success. Know your child, understand you are not enough, stop fighting for control over behavior, train their character, and practice grace upon grace. I hope that these strategies will help you to find some peace in your mind and encourage you in your parenting. You are not a failure because you have the power of the living God as your primary tool for success! May God bless your family as you seek to grow in Him.

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